Aftermath

Letting Go
(Ending to The Incident at the end of June)
By S.Gonzalez

 Another chapter has closed today. It wasn't the ending I had expected. There was no real closure and to make matters worse, an extremely harsh day at the office. I’m losing my patience, not just with others but with myself as well. So much anger, for being wronged, and no outlet. I haven’t accepted what happened,  just a feeling of emptiness. Is there another way to look at it? Somehow that memory will just go away, I just have to let it go. The detective was quite helpful, when I told him I wasn't going to press charges he seemed uninterested either way. It left a sour taste on my tongue, the very words spewing like vomit over the phone. Nobody saw it, they didn't know, and as time passes, it just fades to everyone. 

 My friends are still around if I get alone too often. Playing Call of Duty does help, it's like gun therapy. The little moments helps relieve the stress of failure to avenge myself. Survival doesn't feel great coping with grief. Reading about it isn't really helping, it just fuels more questions. I’m not angry, it’s more like I’m just simmering with anxiety. Going back to my bar felt very weird tonight. This was where it happened, my hands felt itchy, yet it turned out well. My eyes grazed over all of the patrons and my roommate just chuckled. “Loosen up, it’s safe.” I just nodded my consent, I don’t feel safe but the very fact that I was there made it better, getting back to normal felt great. I just have to let it all go. 

 Every bruise healed, the scratches and with all of it leaving me, I’m learning. It’s not the memory that haunts me but the memories of why I go out and the net of safety that gets to me. Watching everyone enjoying themselves leaves me hollow. I don’t think that with all that happened I can fully let go. That night will always continue to remind me about human nature. I simply want to move on. I have to let it go somehow. All of the anger, sadness and grief. I just want to move on with my life and enjoy the moments of peace. I learned so much from such a horrible experience that it never occurred to me that it may be a good thing. I’m still alive. I still breathe. Therefore, I am here with all you, us humans just living and dying. I write this in a sense of companionship and determination. I will continue to survive and tell the stories of my life.

So that's what being close to death feels like....

The Incident at the end of June

By

S. Gonzalez

　

　

Never saw it coming.

It was one of those moments that just completely destroyed my perception of human beings around me. Some will argue that I had it coming, but I will not touch base on that moment from months in the past. This was fueled by something different.

This was revenge.

I am not a patient man, nor do I allow stupidity from my fellow human beings. I speak the truth. I yearn for expression and the allowance of said free speech. Someone did not like it.

This was not a bar fight.

Funny typing these words in. I once worked for a very established pub, in door security no less. Ironic, the situation that I have found myself in. He was staring at me the whole night. How did I not notice? This was pre-mediated. I question myself. Did I deserve what happened in a lowly restroom, two large Aryan males to my homunculus self? Were my past transgression really worth the damage to well being as I received tonight?

No.

No.

No.

The exact words I yelled at my attacker, as he flung punch after brutal punch against me. I pleaded with him, all I could think of was, why? Why is this happening to me? What brought this to my door? I remember the girl slighted. At the wrong place at he wrong time. Helpful but willfully ignorant.

The sad thing. Before the brute unleashed his fury on my face, I defended her. I even said the words, “..she is a sweetheart, it’s just that she should have stayed out of it.” Afterwards I found myself against an assailant that only wanted blood. The very blood that stains my jeans as I type this story.

I clawed myself from his lethal embrace. Like a moron I even fought back with words, that this attack would not go unpunished. He growl, grapping for my throat. “You gonna call the cops motherfucker?” His breath against my cheek. I’m going to die.

Suddenly I resisted his yank on my neck. Got under his holds and scrambling pass his friend in the dark. Somehow the lights were turned off in the struggle. He did not best me, I fought him off and won.

I fought for my life.

I didn’t care about insults to honor.

I didn’t care about the whys.

I wanted to live.

I fought to scream HELP at the top of my lungs. For anyone to hear me.

…

His friend in the restroom never helped until the lights went out. Until the threat of police was rushed from lips. Only then did I get a seconds reprieve to escape that hell.

He couldn’t be found afterwards.

　

　

　

　

Later On

His girlfriend yanked him off as I lay on the ground. Looking at me as if brought this calamity to her. I pitied her, even now.

The cops arrived. One very nice male officer, doing his job. It was being labeled as a “Bad Bar fight”.

Of course as he went to talk the other officer he looked over and confessed that I attacked him.

I didn’t fight. I scoffed and faced the officer.

I never punched.

In this calm moment, I understand that I was the calmest person in the room. My hands didn’t shake as I wrote out the testimony. Nor when the girlfriend of the attacker, rudely telling me and my friend to leave. He even kept after me, even when the cops left. I shook my head as he looked around to shaking faces. “he jumped me.” “All of a sudden he just punched me.” I just laughed and shook my head. Fucking coward.

He wanted to kill me and now couldn’t face his failure.

I’m not even mad at him. Yet, I will seek full legal action. As, a lesson for everyone. Karma is a harsh mistress but, seek a peaceful resolution to disputes. I don’t hate the man, just wonder of the sad path he has chosen to walk.

I will not walk that path.

I’m stronger than he expected.

I survived him.

I continue ever onward.

　

Fucking Facebook Morons.

So...Tumblr blew my mind tonight.

So I grew up watching "I Love Lucy" and always liked the Ricky and Lucy vibe.

But it wasn't until randomly searching through Tumblr, made me realize...I've been brainwashed to like funny, white girls with personality defects. 

She was quirky, annoyingly adorable and wanted constantly loving attention. I was turned on for years and even have set some of her behaviors from the show, as my standard.

Maybe, that's just what I always look for in a girl. I want a Lucy, a loving, selfish and humorous companion. 

Anyhoo, Thanks for blowing my mind internet, and good-night.

Right after Bio-shock Infinite. 

Nikola Tesla is a boss!

"Don't Read" I think I lost my mind that day...

Don't Read

by Steve Gonzalez on Wednesday, September 16, 2009 at 6:08am ·

PublicFriendsOnly MeCustomClose FriendsW. T. White High SchoolSee all lists...FamilyAddison, Texas AreaCSRFreelance WriterNorth Texas Job CorpsDoor-man ( Bouncer )AcquaintancesGo Back

Words to remember:

Perfect: Finished or complete

Existence:a state of being, life

Order: Proper state, established method, public tranquility or division of natural objects

Nature: the universe, total of agencies and forces, the inherent or essential qualities of anything, reality as distinct from that which is artificial.

Perceive,vt: To apprehend by the organs of sense or by the mind; to observe, to discern.

The basis of my work is this;

“We exist within the Cube, inside the Sphere and all of this is held within a Pyramid.”

What this formula implies is that our minds/souls lie within the cube; which represents our experiences here on the physical 3rd dimension. In the Cube, there are dimensions and matter that function in all planes of  reality. Time effects matter, moves and shapes it. Directed by force and energy; time and space with it‘s gravity. Our senses function to aid in reality. The Sphere is chaos, constant change and energy. 

Rhythm is sequence of Time that exists in Space. Energy occupies Space.

“Perception is reality until otherwise proven.”

These principles exists in the 4th dimension,

Time is energy spent in Space.

Matter’s only role in this equation is, it takes up an area in Space infinite to energy spent.

Energy within matter which occupies Space in an area containing Time exists in Infinity.

Travel is regulated thru the 5-8th dimensions, the strings of each individual is interwoven into the whole of it’s universal location.

Put simply: “Energy is Space within Time occupying the 10th dimension.”

The concept of Sound is it’s ruling factor in Time, it triggers reaction. Time affects Sound and it produces Sight. Sight can trigger a Dimension.

“Things are put into perspective by forcing reason into nonsense.”

“All things in existence must have balance or otherwise, it’s structure is destroyed and lets the Outside in.”

The structure of the pyramid:

A sanctuary both in the mind and body, it is the third principle in which all work must be done. The Outside is merely the Void, the unknown; an influence from a source outside this reality. It exists because of the first two principals, the Void is the structure of Infinity .Time and Reason do not exist in the pyramid, the cube and the sphere are intertwined, they are two of the same source. Without that sanctuary of balance, the Void would control chaos and order would be overwhelmed.

“Matter in all it’s flesh and blood is energy sealed.”

We exist in matter, it is effected by Time in a Space of constant motion. Humans must learn to alter reality to gain true understanding.

Within the vastness of space, there is fire.

Jennifer's Heart


by S.Gonzalez



My mind's eye tumbles and soars,
vibrant hues of pink have seemed to roar,
my eyes absorb her all at once,
that laugh of hers it draws me,
yet so does her ass which is quite lovely,
my brown eye gazes deep into her,
I know flowers are not enough,
she prefers vodka, my kind of girl and tough,
her beauty continues to haunt me still,
I catch my words so they may spill,
 like kids it seems we are playing
 and thus singing my attraction,
I must have satisfaction,
for mine beats as strong as hers,
memories separate and the present part,
for I seek to gaze into Jennifer's heart.

The Craft

Writing is an exercise, I have heard it said. Each day when the words scroll across the mind unto paper, you work at it. The craft allows the writer towards a strange connection to the reader. I've always had sensation to not hold back from any genre, from basic fantasy to erotica. My dreams flow freely from my inner self, and sometimes it can be ugly. I wish to show the chaotic beauty of the world inside my mind. 

-S.Gonzalez

by Alex Grey

Illuminati: Politics Explained

Politics Explained

 shared by Steve Gonzalez on Wednesday, September 16, 2009 at 6:26am ·

Illuminati: Politics Explained

FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all of the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need.

BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and put them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs as the regulations say you need.

FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them and sells you the milk.

PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.

RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.

CAMBODIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The government takes both of them and shoots you.

DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.

PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.

REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.

BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.

PURE ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to take the cows and kill you.

LIBERTARIAN/ANARCHO-CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

(Original source unknown . . . this version expanded and Illuminated by SJ.)

Who's Mount Kimbie?

It took 3:00 minutes for me to dislike Mount Kimbie's "Made to stray", or at least the song's long build up left me confused. When it finally reached the last minute to the actual artist's lyrics and intent, I was already turned down.

#SleepyDubstep So I wasted some time on a song and had a bad taste in my mouth after. Whatcha think?mthrfnkr.fm/2013/03/mount-…
— Steven. G (@FLPGQD) March 25, 2013

Like I really found it to be boring and utterly tasteless. I ask myself, are all of Mount Kimbie's songs like this? So, I turned to Youtube...



I'm convinced the world is listening to some weird shit, I was one of the 40 "dislikes" against 3,500+ who liked it.


I going to play MW3 now... o.o

I miss her...

I miss her...

by Steve Gonzalez

https://www.facebook.com/FLPGQD

I miss her,

I wonder on her life, the emotions of her present state,

Somewhere in my heart the part that loved her,

Loves her still,

I miss my love,

I yearn for her comfort,

Her embrace,

and the pain of the loss,

eats at my soul,

She was my other half,

She was my equal in our utter

differences,

She was the other half of my mind,

She was the left part of my brain,

The conclusion of my beginning,

My excess was her control,

My madness was her sanity,

My pain was her reflection,

We shared life,

And love,

And once more life,

I miss her,

I miss her,

I miss her,

I want the joy but,

I am fallen by,

My own weakness,

My self is not her self,

My soul is not hers,

My ends are not for her to share,

In this I understand,

In this I live on,

I am the Lord of Misrule and she,

She is my memory,
she haunts dreams.

What I really lack is to be clear in my mind what I am to do, not what I am to know, except in so far as a certain knowledge must precede every action. The thing is to understand myself, to see what God really wishes me to do: the thing is to find a truth which is true for me, to find the idea for which I can live and die. ... I certainly do not deny that I still recognize an imperative of knowledge and that through it one can work upon men, but it must be taken up into my life, and that is what I now recognize as the most important thing.

Søren Kierkegaard,
 Letter to Peter Wilhelm Lund dated August 31, 1835

The Unconscious

Thursday, January 6, 2011 at 2:11am ·

“ That is one of the great difficulties in experiencing the unconscious—that one identifies with it and becomes a fool. You must not identify with the unconscious; you must keep outside, detached, and observe objectively what happens.... it is exceedingly difficult to accept such a thing, because we are so imbued with the fact that our unconscious is our own—my unconscious, his unconscious, her unconscious—and our prejudice is so strong that we have the greatest trouble disidentifying. ”

—Jung, C. G. (1996

Just reading some older works...part 1

7-24-09 A.O.F

by S. Gonzalez on Saturday, February 6, 2010 at 3:57pm ·

PublicFriendsOnly MeCustomClose FriendsW. T. White High SchoolSee all lists...FamilyAddison, Texas AreaCSRFreelance WriterNorth Texas Job CorpsDoor-man ( Bouncer )AcquaintancesGo Back

Article of Faith
By S. Gonzalez 


Who can fear death, those who are in the friendship of our Lord?
Do not be ignorant of sin.
Do not cast aside God’s gift to you.
We are all blessed to be alive, for whatever time we are here together.
Do not be sad, children of God, because we see the truth!
Those who cannot see, I call blind and lost.
Those who reason against God, you are fools!
I ask God, forgive them!
We love them so!
Love them as the Lord loves you!

History can tell, those who seek God differently can recall Him, and we who worship Him remember! Give praise everyday, for we understand and seek He who is love!

Who can fear Death?

Who can feel alone?

Your troubles mean nothing when in the end it will not matter.

Your sin creates disharmony, your ego causes sin.

Let go of all of it, surrender and accept without regret.

Your life is so important in His eyes, in His presence it is an ant within a colony.

You exist only because He wanted it that way. So let go of that fear! You are loved as a child, free of trouble but as a child you must be shown the way.

Discipline in faith and honor in God’s Word.






Writers Note:
Date: Unknown
“lost in time and translation”
History: I was depressed but searching.
The world is a paradox and I am just a wanderer in His Garden. 

The Benefits of Evil

The Benefits of Evil: 
A Role Playing guide to Paradox

by S. Gonzalez

Sometimes it's good to roll to burn down a forest. To really just scorch earth, every tree, animal or whatever have you in the way to clear out space. That even goes for mental tasks or real ones; eliminate that which does not matter and downsize those that do. For instance, I decided that last night would be a good night for a little shake up in my many spheres of play. 

Enjoy.

It started with the simple question asked by a random program on Face Book. "How's it going Steven?" The only thing that responded in my mind was why they would even change these up, to ask randomly what's going on so a person can post that thought or activity so everyone can see. That's how it started, because I was feeling evil.

So evil in fact that I decided to play a game with myself to see what I can produce.

First I needed my devil, a horned beastly looking creature of infernal power.

 Then came responses:

• Ken Masters likes this.
• 

  Ken Masters Who Is It, Bro?

  9 hours ago · Like
• 

  Steve Gonzalez {Looks to Ken Masters} "Who is not the question. It's what that you should be concerned about." {The clouds build above him. Storming they churn above the desolate plains of sand} "I am absolute in my search."

  9 hours ago · Edited · Like · 1
• 

  Ken Masters Not Akuma, Right? (Bro, I Am Not RPing.)

  9 hours ago · Like
• 

  Steve Gonzalez {Laughs, and it's sound rings through the desert as Ken appears in the maelstrom} "No, Akuma is far from here now." {Rises his hands to Ken Masters} "Neither am I RP'ing." {His laugh now is far from friendly}

  9 hours ago · Like
• 

  Ken Masters Alright.... I Am Going..... Bye..... 

  9 hours ago · Like

Good. Now I was getting somewhere....

I had to follow with a basic description of where my mind was at and what it saw, just so it could help others, including my other characters find a place in the story. 

"{Stephen Gonzalez is lost, he wanders the hollow center of his soul and around him there is nothing but a plain white desert} "What have I done?" {He says aloud to the sands of crystalline sands surrounding him} "What can I do to surpass the pathetic shell that I am in." {The winds blow and swirl around his battered form, caressing his blackened form of humanity}"

Now there is conflict but it still needed a little touch of despair...

• 
  Miguel Valdes and Tommy Decentralized like this.
• 

  Vegeta Toriyama {Appearing in the desert, Vegeta looks around and in all his time is fearful} "What is going on?"

  9 hours ago · Like
• 

  Tsunade Godaime {Suddenly from sitting in her office she appears next to Vegeta, afraid} "What? How did I get here?"

  9 hours ago · Like
• 

  Steve Gonzalez {Turns to his two lesser forms} "I am in need of yourselves." {Looking down, Stephen notices his hands have turned to blackened claws and smiles} "I need to absorb the both of you now!" {Their bodies shimmer and collapse as he inhales their essence, and grows}

  9 hours ago · Like

 That's the thing about any story, it needs it's actors to work it along or else it's just some guy narrating his trip through La-La Land. 

{The darkness surrounds the form of Stephen Gonzalez} "I Am Incarnate!!!" {The forms of Vegeta Toriyama and Tsunade Godaime are no more, as the darkened form grows into the sky} "I need not such forms in the world of ideas, I AM!"

Now I figured it was time to really start expanding my vision to others by a bit of character reference and background manipulation.

Setting the desolation scene for something great to happen, because in Chaos there must always be a hint of coming Order. Once again, focus on the Main Character in his own private hell, toss in some emotional points such as:

"I don't care anymore about anyone!" {Fires blaze around him, the smoke engulfs his demonic form and he wails to the air to heaven} "I AM EVIL AGAIN!!!!"

And/Or: "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!" {His forms flames out, scorching the ground he walks on, licking his red lips he walks forward}

In the end this guy is a rampaging freak of great destructive power and completely insane. 

"You are a part of me, what made you think you were free?" {He laughs and grasps her neck, the form of Tsunade fading but dropped and on the sands below}

{Inside Stephen Gonzalez} "W..what's happened to us?" {All around her, the skies storm and rage as the figure of Steven in Devil Form rages}

{Vegeta runs to him, a fierce look in his eye as he tries to hit Stephen Gonzalez but only finds a fist knocking him back to the ground} "You will witness my destruction of all this plane of existence!"

{Inside Stephen Gonzalez} "What the fuck is going on here!" {Vegeta Toriyama walks in the storm inside the demon} "Let me go you bastard!!"

Toss in symbols of humanity crushed just to spice it up, maybe describe why they are in the state they are in. In fact I did one better by absorbing two such characters  they called out for a hero, a savior.

Steve Gonzalez

9 hours ago

{Currents of fire and brimstone swirl at his feet} 

"What's wrong friends? Too much for you?! 

Is this not what you wanted! Is this not what you expected of me!!!" 

{He roars a beastly scream that rocks the land around him}

• Alisha Steele likes this.
• 

  Tsunade Godaime {Both Vegeta Toriyama and Tsunade Godaime look on the

   wraith of the demon lord Stephen Gonzalez and shutter}

  8 hours ago · Like
• 

The wonderful thing is that I can eliminate the whole board at this point. Just really wipe the motherfucker clean and start over. But I ask, is the point of destruction in the first place? The answer is always creation!

Steve Gonzalez

8 hours ago

"Who will join me?" {looks over the spheres of creation in front of him} "Who will join what can live in infamy?!"

Suddenly I find my hero....

Gonzalez Angel {Appears before the hellfire pit, the body the angel is in is covered in light that vanishes the fire around him} "ENOUGH!"

"Stephen Gonzalez enough of this madness! It is time to rest and put back that which is tormented!" {The Gonzalez Angelreaches towards the charred forehead of the raging demon} — with Steve Gonzalez.

This is what I really want, to show the duality of such struggles, even with such archetypes as good and evil. In the end it's one side of the coin trying to spit on the side behind it or vice versa. Now as the points been made it's time to wrap it up. 

{Across the tattered mindscape of Stephen Gonzalez, the Angel roams and cleanses as best he can the damage that has been done} — with Steve Gonzalez.

Steve Gonzalez {The Gonzalez Angel cleanses what he can and slowly the evil insides starts to pass into darkness}

8 hours ago · Like

That's kind of the whole point to a battle...that it ends. In this case, evil is the state of mind and normality is reached only through conflict and resolution yet I left it open to maybe happen again. So for a couple of hours I just had the grandest time being a demon, not like most evil things I did mostly for one reason, because I was bored.