Letting Go
(Ending to The Incident at the end of June)
By S.Gonzalez
Another chapter has closed today. It wasn't the ending I had expected. There was no real closure and to make matters worse, an extremely harsh day at the office. I’m losing my patience, not just with others but with myself as well. So much anger, for being wronged, and no outlet. I haven’t accepted what happened, just a feeling of emptiness. Is there another way to look at it? Somehow that memory will just go away, I just have to let it go. The detective was quite helpful, when I told him I wasn't going to press charges he seemed uninterested either way. It left a sour taste on my tongue, the very words spewing like vomit over the phone. Nobody saw it, they didn't know, and as time passes, it just fades to everyone.
My friends are still around if I get alone too often. Playing Call of Duty does help, it's like gun therapy. The little moments helps relieve the stress of failure to avenge myself. Survival doesn't feel great coping with grief. Reading about it isn't really helping, it just fuels more questions. I’m not angry, it’s more like I’m just simmering with anxiety. Going back to my bar felt very weird tonight. This was where it happened, my hands felt itchy, yet it turned out well. My eyes grazed over all of the patrons and my roommate just chuckled. “Loosen up, it’s safe.” I just nodded my consent, I don’t feel safe but the very fact that I was there made it better, getting back to normal felt great. I just have to let it all go.
Every bruise healed, the scratches and with all of it leaving me, I’m learning. It’s not the memory that haunts me but the memories of why I go out and the net of safety that gets to me. Watching everyone enjoying themselves leaves me hollow. I don’t think that with all that happened I can fully let go. That night will always continue to remind me about human nature. I simply want to move on. I have to let it go somehow. All of the anger, sadness and grief. I just want to move on with my life and enjoy the moments of peace. I learned so much from such a horrible experience that it never occurred to me that it may be a good thing. I’m still alive. I still breathe. Therefore, I am here with all you, us humans just living and dying. I write this in a sense of companionship and determination. I will continue to survive and tell the stories of my life.
The Incident at the end of June
By
S. Gonzalez
Never saw it coming.
It was one of those moments that just completely destroyed my perception of human beings around me. Some will argue that I had it coming, but I will not touch base on that moment from months in the past. This was fueled by something different.
This was revenge.
I am not a patient man, nor do I allow stupidity from my fellow human beings. I speak the truth. I yearn for expression and the allowance of said free speech. Someone did not like it.
This was not a bar fight.
Funny typing these words in. I once worked for a very established pub, in door security no less. Ironic, the situation that I have found myself in. He was staring at me the whole night. How did I not notice? This was pre-mediated. I question myself. Did I deserve what happened in a lowly restroom, two large Aryan males to my homunculus self? Were my past transgression really worth the damage to well being as I received tonight?
No.
No.
No.
The exact words I yelled at my attacker, as he flung punch after brutal punch against me. I pleaded with him, all I could think of was, why? Why is this happening to me? What brought this to my door? I remember the girl slighted. At the wrong place at he wrong time. Helpful but willfully ignorant.
The sad thing. Before the brute unleashed his fury on my face, I defended her. I even said the words, “..she is a sweetheart, it’s just that she should have stayed out of it.” Afterwards I found myself against an assailant that only wanted blood. The very blood that stains my jeans as I type this story.
I clawed myself from his lethal embrace. Like a moron I even fought back with words, that this attack would not go unpunished. He growl, grapping for my throat. “You gonna call the cops motherfucker?” His breath against my cheek. I’m going to die.
Suddenly I resisted his yank on my neck. Got under his holds and scrambling pass his friend in the dark. Somehow the lights were turned off in the struggle. He did not best me, I fought him off and won.
I fought for my life.
I didn’t care about insults to honor.
I didn’t care about the whys.
I wanted to live.
I fought to scream HELP at the top of my lungs. For anyone to hear me.
…
His friend in the restroom never helped until the lights went out. Until the threat of police was rushed from lips. Only then did I get a seconds reprieve to escape that hell.
He couldn’t be found afterwards.
Later On
His girlfriend yanked him off as I lay on the ground. Looking at me as if brought this calamity to her. I pitied her, even now.
The cops arrived. One very nice male officer, doing his job. It was being labeled as a “Bad Bar fight”.
Of course as he went to talk the other officer he looked over and confessed that I attacked him.
I didn’t fight. I scoffed and faced the officer.
I never punched.
In this calm moment, I understand that I was the calmest person in the room. My hands didn’t shake as I wrote out the testimony. Nor when the girlfriend of the attacker, rudely telling me and my friend to leave. He even kept after me, even when the cops left. I shook my head as he looked around to shaking faces. “he jumped me.” “All of a sudden he just punched me.” I just laughed and shook my head. Fucking coward.
He wanted to kill me and now couldn’t face his failure.
I’m not even mad at him. Yet, I will seek full legal action. As, a lesson for everyone. Karma is a harsh mistress but, seek a peaceful resolution to disputes. I don’t hate the man, just wonder of the sad path he has chosen to walk.
I will not walk that path.
I’m stronger than he expected.
I survived him.
I continue ever onward.
