(Ending to The Incident at the end of June)
By S.Gonzalez
Another chapter has closed today. It wasn't the ending I had expected. There was no real closure and to make matters worse, an extremely harsh day at the office. I’m losing my patience, not just with others but with myself as well. So much anger, for being wronged, and no outlet. I haven’t accepted what happened, just a feeling of emptiness. Is there another way to look at it? Somehow that memory will just go away, I just have to let it go. The detective was quite helpful, when I told him I wasn't going to press charges he seemed uninterested either way. It left a sour taste on my tongue, the very words spewing like vomit over the phone. Nobody saw it, they didn't know, and as time passes, it just fades to everyone.
My friends are still around if I get alone too often. Playing Call of Duty does help, it's like gun therapy. The little moments helps relieve the stress of failure to avenge myself. Survival doesn't feel great coping with grief. Reading about it isn't really helping, it just fuels more questions. I’m not angry, it’s more like I’m just simmering with anxiety. Going back to my bar felt very weird tonight. This was where it happened, my hands felt itchy, yet it turned out well. My eyes grazed over all of the patrons and my roommate just chuckled. “Loosen up, it’s safe.” I just nodded my consent, I don’t feel safe but the very fact that I was there made it better, getting back to normal felt great. I just have to let it all go.
Every bruise healed, the scratches and with all of it leaving me, I’m learning. It’s not the memory that haunts me but the memories of why I go out and the net of safety that gets to me. Watching everyone enjoying themselves leaves me hollow. I don’t think that with all that happened I can fully let go. That night will always continue to remind me about human nature. I simply want to move on. I have to let it go somehow. All of the anger, sadness and grief. I just want to move on with my life and enjoy the moments of peace. I learned so much from such a horrible experience that it never occurred to me that it may be a good thing. I’m still alive. I still breathe. Therefore, I am here with all you, us humans just living and dying. I write this in a sense of companionship and determination. I will continue to survive and tell the stories of my life.
